Liam’s First Year

I can’t believe it. I have a one-year-old.

My first year of motherhood has been a wild ride. Everyone knows they’ll love their child, but I underestimated just how much love one heart could hold. This kid is my world. I adore him, completely. I’m amazed by everything he does and I think about him pretty much every waking moment.

I was also not prepared for how hard parenting is and for how sleep deprived I’d be. I have an unusually difficult sleeper, and his sleep habits are still about on par with the newborn days. He wakes every two hours now, which is an improvement from his every-hour wakings that almost killed us from 3.5-10(ish) months.

So, here’s what I’ve learned from my first year as a mama to this perfect little boy:

  • It takes time. I’m not going to lie, I struggled hard for the first eight or so months of his life. It probably had a lot to do with the sheer sleep deprivation that I was going through, but yeah. It was rough. I’m just now accepting that I’m doing okay as a mom.
  • You don’t have to do everything by the book. Before my son was born, I swore that we’d abide by safe sleep recommendations. I bought an expensive Halo bassinet and was sure that he’d remain on his back in his own space and never use a blanket. Yeah…no. We never did that. I used a blanket from day one, mostly because when he’d fall asleep in my arms I damn sure wasn’t going to wake him up and transfer him to a sleep sack. I can’t remember when we started bedsharing, but he’s been in our bed for most of the night for at least a few months now.
  • Guilt is hard to avoid. Even though I’m getting more confident in my momming abilities, I still feel guilty about “not doing enough.” The reality is that he’s healthy and happy, so I’m probably doing fine. But it’s hard not to feel like I’m letting him down in a million little ways every day. I admire the moms who plan elaborate cake smash setups and have a beautifully curated baby book, but that’s not something I have the energy for right now. I haven’t even ordered his birthday present yet, and I probably won’t for a couple of months since we’re running out of room in our apartment. It doesn’t mean I love him any less–he won’t remember this birthday, even though it’s special.
  • Rely on help if you have it. For the longest time, my biggest source of guilt was the fact that I have a wonderful family willing to help. For the first few months of Liam’s life, I spent about half of my time at my mom’s house. She’d take the first part of the night so I could sleep, I’d take the middle of the night, and then I’d pass him over to my grandma in the early hours of the morning. My grandma also comes to my apartment several times a week so I can get a nap while she watches the baby and cleans for us. I’m so lucky to have this kind of support, but for the longest time, I felt like I was a fraud as a mother because I’m not doing it on my own. That’s not true, though. I’m a better mom because I have help from family. I can have a little bit of time to myself and recharge my batteries so I’m able to give my best to my son. If you have help available, take it. You don’t need to feel bad about it.
  • Time flies. That saying we’ve all heard is true: the days are long but the years are short. I have no idea how my baby is about to turn ONE. YEAR. OLD. Wasn’t he just a tiny little bundle in the hospital? Now he’s *almost* walking and is a force to be reckoned with. It goes by so fast, and I’m more emotional about it than I thought I’d be.

Happy birthday, baby boy. I love you more than words can ever say.

 

Wrapping up 2019

2019 has been a momentous year. The past couple of years have been challenging, but I don’t think anything quite compares to the shell shock that is the birth of your first child.

Becoming a mother has changed me in ways that I never thought possible. I definitely feel like I’ve been forged in the fire and have come out stronger. This little boy brings such joy, and I’m truly grateful to be his mama. His belly laughs and open-mouthed smiles sustain me during those days when I don’t feel like I can do this anymore. Being a SAHM/part-time working mom is a huge change from my old life. I’m such an introvert, and he demands constant engagement and entertainment or else he’s gonna SCREAM. He’s finally getting a little bit better at entertaining himself, but he’ll sit in his pack and play just long enough for me to throw in a load of laundry or chug a cup of coffee. Gone are the days of lounging around, watching hours of YouTube videos, and generally just doing whatever strikes my fancy. I thought being a mom would be an easy transition for me because I tend to have a lot of patience and I’ve always been a homebody. I just wasn’t prepared for how grueling and neverending this work is. Don’t get me wrong–I’m also the most fulfilled I’ve ever been. I wouldn’t trade this experience for the world. I cherish holding him during one of his dozen nightly wakeups and feeling the weight of his 21+ lb body and hearing his baby snores in my ear. But wow, I’m exhausted. Bill is exhausted. We’re barely making it through. But, if anyone can get through this time, it’s us. We’ve weathered many challenges before, and we’ve always made it through to the other side.

Right now, I’m just trying to give myself credit where credit is due. I’m becoming a much more confident mom. I’m forcing myself to push my boundaries and I’m also clinging to a semblance of my pre-kid self. That once a week riding lesson is worth more than gold to me. I question my sanity each time I wake up before sunrise and leave my usually-sleeping baby and husband to go ride in the cold and mist, but it’s so worth the extra sleep deprivation. I’m privileged to be able to continue to do what I love.

This was a long ramble, as my blog posts usually are. Moral of the story: I love my kid. I love him more than I ever could’ve imagined. Being a mom and wife is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I’m figuring it out and trying to give myself just a little bit of leeway. My apartment is not clean. I rarely wear makeup. I drink way too much Starbucks (okay, but I always have). Life with an infant is such a whirlwind, but I love it.

Finding Balance

I always promised myself that if I ever became a mother, I wouldn’t lose myself along the way.

I’m very privileged to be able to afford weekly riding lessons in addition to a child, but I didn’t expect to find it so hard to wake up in the morning to get to the barn. Pre-baby, I’d pop out of bed on time (or early) so I’d have plenty of time to groom and tack up.

My world has completely changed now, and I often wonder if I can even drag myself out of bed after a long night of 5+ wakeups. Riding is still important to me and I want to do everything I can to continue pursuing my lifelong dreams. It’s a delicate balance, though, and I struggle with walking the line between cutting myself some slack (riding is supposed to be fun, after all…) and sticking to my commitments.

Fall has arrived, so the mornings are about to be cool and crisp. I can’t wait until the temperatures dip just a little bit more. Fall and winter morning rides are my absolute favorite. There’s something magical about chilly mornings and seeing a horse’s breath fog in the morning light and watching as deer play in the jump field as the sun rises.

I really hope that Liam will get his sleep together sometime in the near future so I can enjoy my “me” time more freely. I’m always happy after I push myself to make it to the barn, but I’m stretched pretty thin right now.

I’m lucky to have an awesome coach who has two kids of her own, so she understands the struggle of balancing motherhood with riding. As much as I want to hit the gym to improve my core strength and flexibility, I also need to give myself a little bit of a breather. For now, riding is just going to be my safe place and I’ll do my best to stop putting unnecessary pressure on myself.

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Hanging out with Gunny in the morning

 

 

Mom Guilt

I’ve always struggled with guilt, but it’s so much worse now that I’m a mom. The mom guilt is *so real* and it plagues me pretty much all day, every day.

There are a million things that I feel guilty about.

My baby loves Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood and probably gets too much screentime.

I don’t strictly follow safe sleep guidelines since he’s happiest in his Dock-a-Tot.

I can’t keep up with the housework. His naps are short, so anytime he’s asleep for 30 minutes I just sit and stare into space or browse the internet.

I’m not making much money. I still write a couple of blog posts per week, but my income is negligible.

We eat out all the time because I have no energy to cook.

My husband works 40+ hours per week but he does more housework than I do.

My mom is studying for her board exams so she can become a PTA but I still accept a ton of help from her.

My dogs, who were once my whole world, are bored. We don’t have a yard, so I can’t wrangle them and push the stroller unless it’s absolutely necessary.

And these worries are just the tip of the iceberg. I always thought I wanted two kids, but I truly don’t think I can handle that life anymore. I’m barely making it through each day right now and I’m drowning in guilt.

What’s wrong with me? Why can so many other women handle full-time jobs on top of motherhood while I’m failing so miserably at the SAHM life?

Ugh. I just feel awful about myself right now and I hope it gets better eventually. The guilt is soul-crushing and it keeps me up at night. I just want to be a good mom and wife but I’m running on fumes.

 

 

Sleep Deprivation

Before I had my baby, I was used to getting at least nine hours of sleep per night. Although I had problems sleeping while I was pregnant, I made up for it with long naps throughout the day.

I’ve always heard from my parents that I was a difficult sleeper, and I guess my little dude takes after me in that regard. For the first couple of nights, I thought he was a great sleeper. He slept in the hospital bassinet and the Halo bassinet that we splurged on. I was super excited about that, but he quickly changed his tune after the first week and has been sleeping horribly ever since.

And omg, the sleep deprivation is BRUTAL. His longest stretch is usually about two hours, and then he’s up every hour starting from around 3:00 am.

Bill tries to take some of the wakeups for me, but Liam only wants to nurse. He’s approaching four months old now, so I’ve kind of given up hope on him sleeping through the night anytime soon. Apparently I didn’t sleep through the night until I was like 18 months old, and even then, I had to sleep in my parents’ bed.

He’s worth every minute of lost sleep, but my brain is gone for the time being. I just can’t function after waking up at least five times every night. I’m still writing a couple of posts per week for my client, but that’s about all I can handle.

Even though I’m home all day long, I’m not able to get much done. Staying on top of the laundry and dishes feels like too much for me to handle right now. I get lots of help from Bill and our families, but I constantly feel like I’m failing. It’s definitely a tough time.

When did your kids start to sleep longer stretches? Is there any hope that Liam will sleep even four hours at a time someday in the near future? I’m dying here.

What We’ve Been Up To

Omg…I can’t believe it’s been years I last posted. But, to be fair, we’ve had a lot going on.

Here’s a (somewhat) quick recap:

TW: Pregnancy loss

We had a baby! Our beautiful rainbow baby was born in May. Bill and I are completely in love with him. We suffered a miscarriage in April 2018, and that experience ushered in a dark time for our marriage. We weren’t prepared for the shock of losing the pregnancy after our first ultrasound looked awesome.

And this pregnancy wasn’t a walk in the park either. I’m going to be real here, so skip this paragraph if you don’t feel comfortable with graphic details. I had lots of early cramping this time around, and I went to the ER for bleeding at 11 weeks (the same gestation that I found out about my miscarriage). When I noticed blood clots on my toilet paper, I lost all hope. I sat in the crowded ER for hours believing that I was losing my rainbow baby. After the ultrasound, the ER doctor told me that there was still a heartbeat and fetal activity, but they weren’t sure about the cause of the bleeding and that it could go either way. Bill and I were beside ourselves, but we found out the next day at my OB’s office that it was just a small subchorionic hemorrhage.

After that hurdle, I found out that I had gestational diabetes. I used to be super afraid of needles, but I had to get over that quickly so I could prick my finger 4x a day to test my blood sugar. I managed with diet at first, but eventually, I needed to take insulin at night to control my fasting numbers. I couldn’t deal with giving myself injections, so Bill injected the insulin for me every night for weeks.

Since I had insulin-controlled GD, I had weekly ultrasounds and non-stress tests to check on Liam. He was breech starting from at least 20 weeks, and I just had a feeling that he would stay that way. I tried the Spinning Babies exercises, but he stayed put and I ended up needing a C-section.

WHEW. I’m tired just typing all of that out. I’m lucky that all of these conditions were easily managed with treatment and low-risk interventions, but it was still an extremely challenging time in my life.

I feel so blessed that my beautiful baby is finally here. He’s everything I had hoped for, and so much more! He’s happy and smiley, and I love soaking up every precious moment with him. I spend most of my days nap trapped and my nights are a blur of feedings, but he’s so worth it. I can’t wait to share more of my journey and my experience as a mom.img_9362

 

Back At It Again!

In November of last year, I got sick and ended up in the ER a couple of times. Even with insurance, it was several thousand dollars. A hit that big and unexpected really set us back, and we had to cancel a vacation and scramble to pay off the bills in a reasonable amount of time. To accelerate the payments, I stopped taking riding lessons (again). To make matters worse, Bill lost his job in March and we spent three months only bringing in a negligible income.

I’m no stranger to taking riding breaks. I think I’m a fairly practical person, and when it comes right down to it, I’d rather be responsible than go broke. I was really sad and disappointed to halt my progress again, and I’ve more than likely taken a few steps back in my riding ability in the last 10 months.

Now that we’re back on track, I’m about to pick up lessons again! I’ve been a loyal Foxtail Farm student for nearly eight years, so it’s a little scary touring a new facility. Since we moved, Liberty Hill is just too far of a drive to make on a weekly basis, so if I want to ride consistently, I need to find a place in my own neighborhood. I have every intention of stopping by for a weekend lesson with Cathy anytime she’s available, and luckily, she’s the most supportive trainer I could ask for. She recommended the barn that I’m going to tour in a few weeks, so I already feel like I’ll be in good hands.

I’m just so excited to get back to riding that it’s hard to think about anything else! I’ve tried to put it on the backburner and out of my mind, but I had a lesson in August and realized just how much I’ve missed riding. When I come back after a long break, I’m so much more motivated to get right to work and enjoy every moment. Instead of wasting time worrying about perfection, I was just happy that the muscle memory hasn’t completely gone away and I can still ride without bouncing around too much. Jumping is a different story, but at least I didn’t fall off. 😉

I’ll do another update as soon as I tour the facility and schedule my first lesson!

Life Changes!

It’s been a while since I’ve updated this blog, and I’m going to try to be better about posting from here on out!

So much has changed since my last post, so I’ll just make a list.

  • Bill got a new job! We’re still in shock about the incredible perks and benefits that he has access to. After working at a tiny startup company for about two years, the switch to an international company feels foreign (but absolutely wonderful).
  • We moved into our new apartment. No more scorpions, spiders, and raccoons for neighbors! Misty will miss chasing lizards, but she’s enjoying going to the on-site dog park with her sister and new friend, Cicero the Silken Windhound.
  • I get to see my best friend every day! Living in the same complex as Monica is seriously my childhood dream come true. Trips to Lush, face mask nights, and spending plenty of time with puppies is all I could ask for from adulthood. Now all I need is a pony, and hopefully, that’s coming along in the not-too-distant future.

Yay for positive life changes! I feel so grateful and ready to move forward in our next chapter.

Adult Amateur Problems

The struggles of an adult amateur rider are never ending.

Technically, I’ve been riding for 18 years (!!!) but I’ve had to take so many breaks that I’m still a beginner. Although I’m starting to build fitness and our flat work is really coming together, jumping is a total mess.

Learning to ride as an adult is infinitely more difficult than it was as a kid/teenager. Bill and I are shelling out a brand new car payment’s worth of money each month for me to take two lessons a week. I’m seeing massive progress in our dressage, which is a GREAT feeling, but I’m so frustrated with jumping.

Yesterday my coach set up a pole on the ground followed by a tiny cross rail. In true adult amateur fashion, I flipped out and started overthinking. A big part of the problem is my shaken confidence over fences. I’ve hit the dirt so many times this year, and all but one of these falls have been jumping related. Monkey needs a strong ride to the base of the fence, or else he’ll stop and spin. Unfortunately, I’ve developed the habit of riding backwards and as I approach I think “Oh crap! A jump! I’ve got to make sure he sees it!” and I tend to pull on the reins and slow our approach to give myself the illusion that he has plenty of time to understand that we’re heading towards a fence.

Sure, that thought process makes sense, but it creates a terrible and sticky approach. I need to learn to sit up and kick on, while letting go with the reins and not making a big move with my upper body. See, I KNOW what I should be doing, but getting my body to cooperate is a totally separate issue.

I’m aware of the problem, and when I’m aware, I start to obsess and berate myself for being such a bad rider after all these years and thousands of dollars spent.

For now, I’m just trying to forgive myself for not being a perfect rider. I’m also continuing to work on my fitness so I’ll feel stronger and more secure throughout the entire lesson. When I start to get tired and my legs start to swing around, I feel like falling off is inevitable, which messes up the mental aspect of riding even more.

I’m hoping to develop mental and physical toughness while embracing the learning process. Confidence takes time to rebuild, and I will get there eventually.

Horse Show Recap

On Saturday, December 12, I competed in my first horse show since 2008. This show also happened to be my first show on Monkey, my first dressage show, and only my second show ever. Needless to say, I was feeling the show nerves about two months out.

My lease pony, Chunky Monkey, is not one to dominate in the dressage ring. He much prefers his primary job, which is teaching little kids how to walk and trot. As a 5’0″ tall adult, I can get away with riding the 13.3 hand pony, so I’ve been trying to coax him into performing basic dressage work. That pony is difficult to ride forward and on the bit, and bending is nearly impossible. As the months went on and I didn’t see a magical transformation in the weeks before our show, I was starting to think we’d be a total disaster and embarrassment.

The day before the show, we hauled in to get him settled at the show grounds. Everything in me was telling me to skip riding in the arenas in the dark, but I got on and gave it my best shot. To my surprise, Monkey was great. He was slightly more forward, which was a welcome gift. An even better gift was that he was not spooky at all. I was sure he was going to do one of his trademark spin moves and leave me in the middle of a crowded arena. As the warm up progressed, he just got better and better. My smile was ear to ear by the time I swung off and put him back in the barn. I was singing his praises all the way home, and I’m certain my husband was tired of agreeing “Yes, he is a good pony.”

We got to the show grounds early on Saturday and I had the opportunity to watch several riders warm up and perform their tests. The warm up ring wasn’t as crazy as I imagined it to be, and the riders were not perfect, which was a huge relief. Some pairs had beautiful tests, but it was nice to see that I am not the only one who has struggles to contend with.

When the time came to tack up and hop on, I was fighting back waves of nausea. I powered through, and as soon as my foot was in the stirrup, I was in The Zone. Cathy coached us through a decent warm up as the rain started to come down, and before I knew it, I was heading into the covered arena. Training Test 1 went by in a flash. There were no major mishaps, despite our 20 meter circles turning out more like 15 meter circles and our halts were not exactly halts.

Between tests, we trotted around the warm up ring and did transitions to wake him up and get him thinking. When we entered the arena again, rain fell off the side of the roof right in front of us and blew towards us. Monkey spooked, but only a tiny spook, and then we moved on to have what I felt was a better test. I rode to the absolute best of my ability, and we scored a 65.2 on Training 1 to end in 3rd place and a 62.1 on Training 2 to end in 2nd place . Not bad for our first show together! I am still on Cloud 9 and I can’t wait to get back out there the next chance I get. This show was extremely validating for me. I spend so much of my time telling myself what a horrible rider I am, but my show record speaks differently. Sure, we’re not perfect and we never will be, but we had competitive scores at our first show together! As a rider, I will never stop learning and striving to do better. I’m confident that next time we trot down the center line and halt at X, we will have improved even more.

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Rain and high winds didn’t stop us from having a great show!